Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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