So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'd cum for enchiladas.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
