Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize