i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
