All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
