So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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