I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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