Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
