moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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