I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
