Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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