My girlfriend figured out who you are.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
