My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
