just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
