i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
this will be a night to untag.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize