i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
