I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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