Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
