im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize