Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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