Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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