I wish I could punch you in the face.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize