...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
