life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
tell me about the eggs
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
