it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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