I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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