based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
