so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
