They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
