I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We need to get me chipped asap
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
