I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize