I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
