Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Rumble strips road head = magical
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
