My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
