I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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