Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
