genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
