ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize