He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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