Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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