Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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