Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
