I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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