my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize