does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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