She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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