So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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