Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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