dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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