I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
