I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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