I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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