Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
