Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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