My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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