i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
