i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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