First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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