I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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