Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
