if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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