Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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