so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
