Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
50% drunk capacity currently
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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